||[31 Jul 2005|12:00am]
For once in my life, I can't tell whether I'm happy or sad...
It's really wierd.
turn our music down
and we whisper
"say what you're thinking right now"
I swear to god, that's like..the story of the other night....what are they expecting you to say? You're thinking of... seeing a movie? NO! you're thinking of fucking making out with them right then and there.
yea.. there's me .. with before hair.
And.. after hair.
Yea.. hot I think.
Lose it? I didn't lose it. It's not like, "Whoops! Where'd my job go?" I QUIT. Someone pass me the asparagus.
American Beauty is truely, a great movie. Everyone should watch it.
Oh and, excuse me for probably taking up your friends page without and lj-cut. Oops, guess I'm too lazy. I never update anyways, so heres one big post from me.
And for the people who have been giving me shit lately...
You can just fuck off.
|The first time we slept with the light on.. and the suns coming up and we woke up on the floor
||[25 Jul 2005|02:20pm]
Ugh I hate being single...
I like having a boyfriend, I don't like "playing the field"
I want a boy I can talk to..
Someone who will let me wear his sweaters when I'm cold.
Or let me put my hands in his pockets.
Someone who will wrap his arms around me.
Someone who can take me out at 4 in the morning to get munchies, or just to do something completely random because those are the moments that make me feel awesome.
Someone who will come over and see me, unannounced, and catch me looking like a train wreck but still kiss me and hold me and tell me I'm beautiful.
I want someone who can change my perspective on something small.. or something big.. by just talking to me.
I want someone who is going to play video games with me till 5 in the morning and then sleep with me with the light on because the video game scared me into thinking that zombies are comming to get me...
I want someone with flaws, someone who knows they have flaws, but I want to be there to tell them it's okay because no one is perfect.
My personality makes me want to take care of somebody, I don't like being alone...even though I haven't been alone as long as some poeple, I hate it.
And what I hate more is that it feels like I've already met the person that fits what I want in somebody but... it's just too out of reach...
I hate this feeling a lot.
It's just me always wanting..want want want.
I had a horrible night last night... but whatever.
It means things are going to get better right?
||[26 Jun 2005|12:31am]
So I apologize, for my previous post.
I really have no idea what had gotten into me.
Maybe it was sadness, definite anger.
I feel horrible about it. I Was mad because you hadn't called and I really wanted to talk and you were unreachable. Then I just made this post.
The truth is, I STill love you... and I know you love me even though you think it's akward.
No, we can't be together, not now... it's too hard.
But I do still love you. I took the pictures you drew me down a couple days ago.
Stuffed them in my drawer, destined to never be seen again.
But before I fell asleep, or at least tried to. I took them out and hung them up again. This is something that should never be forgotten, for the both of us.
I do love you, more than anyone I've ever met before.
There's nothing wrong with you, you're different, and that should be admired. I admired it so much before... I just don't know what's wrong with me.
I used to cry alot, I don't really anymore.
The only thing that has bought tears to my eyes is talking to you. And I Don't know why.
Why didn't it hurt when I Said those things? Why didn't it hurt when I Told you it couldn't work?
It hurts now, it's making my throat sting.. you know that feeling you get. I Cried into my pillow after we got off the phone, not for long.. I Didn't allow it to happen for long but it happened.
You said you loved me as a friend, but I Still know that there's something more.
We just can't make anything out of it now but it's ok. Maybe it hurts because it's something I want, but I can't have.
Just please say I'll always have a place with you...
I'm sorry for being so cold.
||[23 Jun 2005|03:20pm]
Do you think you're something awesome? Something great something amazing?
You think everyone likes your dumb style and everyone thinks you're so cool?
It's bull shit.
People like you are made for people who can't grow up.
I've grown up since two years ago. I think I have, people have told me I have.
Maybe I put so much work into this because I Wanted to it to be better than I anything I'd had before. Maybe if I didn't try so hard it would have never worked like it did.
And now I'm mad. I Sit here and realize how FUCKING stupid this all was and how you would get online and tell some girl anything she wanted to hear so she would like you.
Well there, now you've got your "best friends" and your internet hotties that are so much better than me right?
You were playing this off the whole time like it was nothing. I don't know wha tmindset you're in or what you were thinking, I used to feel bad, think maybe it was the depression. Now that it's no longer depression, I keep fading away, I'm going gone and you could care less.
||[19 Jun 2005|12:06am]
Well today was rather eventful.
I went out with Thor and we picked up my cool friend Alex and we cleaned out his car and listend to Fall Out Boy which is absolute love.
And then let's see....I cashed my check. Yay money!
It was raining a bitch outside so I was like eh.. this kinda blows. So we went back to my house. Thor played his gamer thingy and I showed Alex the hizouse. It was pretty pimp.
Then Alex had to go home so we dropped his ass off and then we listened to American Hi-Fi and Taking Back Sunday because we're emo kids. I bought a highlighting kit and some gum and then we mobbed it up to McDonalds and ate to our hearts desires.
So I get home, eat my gum, play some Katamari Damashi then I do my hair which is effing hot and I will definitly be posting pictures.
And the roomate is a fucking creep and he just sits up here and watches OUR T.V.
Going on VayKay in two weeks. Woot, california here I come.
I am going to get tan and enjoy the hot hot heat and those delicious sonic hot dogs.
And of course see my daddy.
Tomorrow is father's day bitches. Tell the man you love him.
I don't know. Enough from me now.
I'm such a happy kid.
||[16 Jun 2005|04:42pm]
Well... kinda new hair. I'm putting blonde highlights in it again. New hair cut too.
I will most definitly be posting up again with the new blonde highlights in it and I'm getting an industrial piercing so I'll let you guys see that one too :)
||[11 Jun 2005|11:55am]
So I have to wonder....
a few simple questions.
I don't really have much to say and I don't really write much in this journal.
But... why is it when I broke up with him he got loads and loads of sympathy from everyone. Wanting to help him bandage a broken heart and take him out to make him feel better.
Why is it, when he broke up with me and found someone new the same night that when I wanted sympathy...all I got was people telling me to suck it up.
The people who read my livejournal are an odd bunch, are you even my friends? I don't really know. You're Matt's friends, so were you just showing me some sort of respect?
I know how you all feel about Kalila, but you don't openly say it.
I don't think I really fit in with that group at all anymore, I don't fit in with Matt and how he is so spontaneous. I don't fit in with his wacky tastes in music and style. It really is just something I've grown out of. So this may sound horrible, But Matt seriously is the only person I have EVER actually "had a serious-relationship" with. Can you blame me for wanting something more? To see what's out there?
You probably could.
Now don't think I'm being some bitch. I feel horrible for him, I feel bad about it but our relationship is just not going. He's got ajob where he works in the day, I've gota job when I Work in the night. We really wouldn't be able to see each other hardly at all because of my mother and our jobs. I'm ecstatic that he got a job but that means we need to be put on hold for a while until we can figure things out.
I don't know what else to say.
||[17 Apr 2005|11:34am]
Matt and I had a great day yesterday....
It was very fun.
He makes my heart do flip flops.
But then I had a dream, that he left me for some girl named Sarah? It was wierd, it was like we were at a party and there was this Sarah girl that was all cute and punk and she was always hugging him and talking to him and I took it as nothing but then the next day he supposedly slept with this girl and I didn't know and it was like we were still together but he was with her the whole time and I tried talking to him on the phone but it was like he couldn't hear me because he just kept talking and laughing with her.
And it was in my gut not to dump him even though I should have and I was crying and just yelling at him to listen to me. And this girl was just calling me crazy and he said he was drawing her hearts and that he already loved her. It made me sad....
but it was just a dream.
||[15 Apr 2005|09:25am]
Wow... just wow.
This girl is so stupid.
We were talking online yesterday and she was asking where I got my screen name from and I told her the correct song from the correct band and she told me I was wrong. She then started saying that if I thought I was emo then I was wrong and I told her that I don't stereotype people. I told her that I was right and if she wanted to go look at the song lyrics then she could. Then she told me that if I was so emo I needed to name more than one band. And I did, and then she said that some of them were indie and I was like okay well this is stupid to fight over anyways. It's my music, it's what I like. I told her not try and judge people becaues last year wasn't she little miss gangster? Then she told me to "stfu" and she blocked me.
I don't know what's wrong with her, it sucks I have to walk to the bus stop with her everyday.
||[13 Apr 2005|05:35pm]
so who coulda thought I'd have bus DRAMA?
What the hell? School is making me so mad. I wish it would just all go to hell.
I hate this dumb girl because she can't fucking make up her mind whether she likes me or not and she gets mad at me for hanging out with people she doesn't like. It's so stupid. I wish she woould just shut up and get over herself.
|just a waste of time
||[03 Apr 2005|11:16am]
I fucking hate you.
I never want to talk to you ever again.
No one can make me feel so low as you can. I fucking hate the feeling you give me and I never EVER want to talk to you again.
You can go and talk to your friends and tell them I'm a bitch and it's my faul this happened and blah blah vblah blah blah.
But fuck you, I'm sitting here writing about this and I know what happened. I hope you fucking have fun today. Since it's "sunday" and that's just not your day.
You're fucking stupid. I can't stand you.
|Couldn't even think
||[26 Mar 2005|08:32pm]
So I'm wondering... did I make the right decision?
Should I have let him know? Now everyone that I thought was close to me is fading away. It's crushing me.
I loved Jennica, I wanted to be her friend, but what she did was wrong. But I was torn, he wanted to know, I knew what really happened but if I said a thing Jenn would be so mad at me.
I told him.... now he's unbelievably hurt and he told me that he had tons of respect for me but I don't see it. So now I just feel hurt and abandoned and I feel like I've lost many of those that I've loved and I just want to crawl into a hole and disappear. Just until this has all blown over.
I hate knowing people don't like me. I thought that Jered was my friend but when I told he said I creeped him out and he had been trying to avoid me for some time and that I just was creeping him out because I was always trying to hang out with him....
I acted like it didn't hurt me, but my heart really isn't that tough. It got to me... and he didn't seem to care. I just want to cry, I wanna cry hard but it wont solve anything. The pain is just cutting into my skin and I don't know if I made the right decision and I just hurt everyone and I wanna cry.
Living life is so hard, with the drugs, the lies, all the drama and the sex and all the fucking bull shit.
She lied to him, she lied to me. And now I've felt like I've betrayed one of my best friends. I fucking hate this feeling. I now feel friendless, and lonely. How many other people act like they like me and on the inside they just think I'm some creepy bitch?
Almost everyone I've known has led me on to believe that they like me.
||[21 Feb 2005|01:05pm]
What would you do if...
» I committed suicide:
» I said I liked you:
» I kissed you:
» I lived next door to you:
» I started smoking:
» I stole something:
» I was hospitalized:
» I ran away from home:
» I got into a fight and you weren't there:
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY:
 Who are you?
 Are we friends?
 When and how did we meet?
 How have I affected you?
 What do you think of me?
Rate my personality on a scale from 1-10
 How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?
 Do you love me?
 Have I ever hurt you?
 Would you hug me?
 Would you kiss me?
 Would you fuck me?
 Are we close?
 Emotionally, what stands out?
 Do you wish I was cooler?
 On a scale of 1-10, how attractive am I?
 Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
 Am I loveable?
 How long have you known me?
 Describe me in one word.
 What was your first impression?
 Do you still think that way about me now?
 What do you think my weakness is?
 Do you think I'll get married?
 What about me makes you happy?
 What about me makes you sad?
 What reminds you of me?
 What's something you would change about me?
 How well do you know me?
 Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
 Do you think I would kill someone?
 Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?
||[17 Feb 2005|11:11am]
I have decide I'm your average American teen.
I read posts from Roman and then comments to that post from Savannah.....
Well, yes I like Taking Back Sunday and The Postal Service and all those emo trash bands. I like piercings and the cute checkered patterns on hats and watches.
What am I to do?
I'm just so damn stereotypical but all of you must admit that at one point you did find me quite a fun girl and even if you don't like me now, you did before.
So there, you all are bashing on these stupid average american teens and I am one of them and I don't feel damn bad about it.
No, I don't watch MTV, yes, I hate Ashlee Simpson.
I like to sit around and complain about all the bull shit a teen has to go through and get drunk and have sex and pierce my body becasue I'm so fucking stereotypical.
Taking Back Sunday has good songs.
I look cute with piercings.
I like checkers.
So what if I like what American media has fed me. Fuck it all. I still see myself as my own person.
||[13 Feb 2005|09:26pm]
So sometimes I wonder.
Am I sheltered?
I broke down today at work. I hate my job.
My bosses intentionally are out to make us miserable. If we don't show up for one day they give us a whole weekend schedule, six hours a day, every day to make sure we never do it again.
They're making me work 13 hours this weekend. This is the last weekend I have with my dad.
He bought over all my stuff from his house. I cried, he cried. He told me it was hard taking my room down.
I really want to spend as much time as I can with ihim but not with the schedule I hace for work.
It's really shitty. So I started to cry.
People just kept comming and comming wanting us to make everything.
They sent me on a break because I was crying.
I tried to get something to eat because I hadn't eaten all day and everytime I tried to get in line to get some food like , 5 people would step in front of me and no one had consideration that I was on a 15 minute ti me limit and very hungry.
I hate people.
||[09 Feb 2005|06:27pm]
I'm leading a boring life at this moment.
Except for the fact that I got maced yesterday. It wasn't directed at me but it was directed at these fighting boys next to me. That got all up in my face and I almost died.
I would not want to be maced in the face full on.
So... I like my bus rides home but yes, Iw ill be getting a car in a month. After my dad leaves I will have a nice little car to drive around in. This might mean I'll have more of a life.
I ALWAYS HAVE TO WORK.
And there is this stupid hoe that I work with and I cannot stand her. She is so mean. I'll slap her.
So I think I'm going to take pretty pictures of myself and put them in with song lyrics and then post up a big picture entry that of course, will be under a lj-cut so I don't take up your friends page.
But if you're in the mood for my hot pictures then you can look.
I will be doing that tomorrow since I don't have to fucking work!
I fucking hate that place.
|Following the trend
||[06 Feb 2005|12:39pm]
 Reply with your name and I will write something about you.
 I will then tell you what song/BAND reminds me of you.
 Next, I will tell you who you remind me of, celebrity/animated or otherwise.
 Last, I will try to name a single word that best reminds me of you.
 Put this in your journal.